(14 July 2020) This week I am pleased to announce that I have uncovered a worldwide secret- one which will shame the acting profession. It has been hidden for centuries; only now will it be revealed.
I refer to the caper, a pointless pickled lump found in jars with no apparent purpose other than being another pizza topping.
It all started in the early half of the 18th Century with a jobbing gardener -Lancelot Brown.
He did bits and pieces for the wealthy in their gardens but his great love was the theatre and all his spare time was spent hanging around the theatrical scene in London. He was a well-known “face”, known as “Billy” to his friends.
One fine summer day he made the discovery that changed his life. Tidying up a scruffy corner in the grounds of a large country house he noticed something stirring in the undergrowth. Fortunately, he had a large magnifying class in his apron; peering through it he saw some tiny creatures scurrying about. He picked one up, inadvertently crushing it to death in his strong fingers. Immediately he was overwhelmed with extreme sadness and tears poured down his rugged features. Using his coarse woven smock to wipe away the tears he picked up another one and crushed it. He experienced the same feeling and marking the spot he collected some of the creatures for his return to London.
That evening he met Madelaine (an actor who in later life found fame when she moved to France and invented a small almond based cake). She was known for her comic abilities but had just gained a lead role in a serious drama requiring real tears on stage. She was worried about her ability to do this. Billy reached into his pocket and crushed a creature under her nose. She dissolved in floods of tears. Eureka! “What is that? she asked tearfully.
Hurriedly Billy thought of the way the creatures capered around their nest and blurted “capers”
He kept her supplied with a steady stock; she was a huge success bursting into tears when required, (and unsettling some of the audience in the front rows).
Billy started growing small caper colonies in all the gardens he worked on to maintain and increase his stock. His fame spread and suddenly he was in great demand by all those in the profession who required instant tears. His nickname became “Caper Billy Brown.”
He did not take money, just asked his clients to recommend his gardening skills, which they did gladly, thus providing him with such a steady income that he employed a small team of gardeners to do most of the work. He focussed on growing small caper colonies in hidden corners. Even today, should you be the kind of person who enjoys visiting 18th century gardens, go to a far south facing corner and there will be a slightly unkempt patch where the capers live.
As time moved inexorably on his name became corrupted to Capability Brown as Billy was seen as a proletarian name amongst the upper echelons.
Some actors were squeamish at crushing a live creature between their fingers; undaunted Billy experimented and found that by putting the creatures into a strong brine solution not only did their little legs drop off but that their lachrymose powers were retained. (They normally strain off the legs but if you inspect the bottom of a jar closely there are often one or two remaining).
Billy then went into serious production. Cleverly, once everyone was using “Billy’s Bottled Tears”, he created a rumour that these were exotic flower buds, grown overseas- a falsehood that still exists to this very day.
The use of capers remains a guilty secret in the acting profession. Actors like to show they can act; when asked how they manage to appear sad they talk earnestly of remembering their dead grandmother or dying children in a far-off continent. They never say they crush a small creature to get the required emotion.
How can you spot usage? It is concealed until you know how to look for it. When someone bursts into tears there is a close up of their face.
What you can’t see is the “Caper boy” (the person on set who guards the capers) kneeling down out of shot and crushing a caper. When the camera pans back the proffered handkerchief or sleeve is also caper infused to keep up the grief. In a particularly tragic scene, the stage directions will often state “a three-caper cry”.
Caper boy is a secret profession; I often watch every line of the credits in a movie (to see if the name of my son’s friend who I have met a couple of times appears under Lighting) and you never see “Caper Boy” This proves my point!!!
Ask anyone you know in the acting profession about this and examine their eyes closely as they reply. Note the tightening of the eyes and the over vehement denial, the scorn they express as they desperately try to change the subject. Then you will know this is true.!!
As further evidence, note the link below to a band who show an artist’s impression of capers with all their legs and a link to a song of theirs. The band have been around a while but the system has conspired to prevent them ever releasing a full LP. (I don’t like the song though I would not hold that against them). Observe also the unnaturally high voices, a tell-tale sign of over use of capers in the studio.
